I’m not blue because the Pats aren’t playing this year. Or because Tom Brady moved away (I think). Also, is he getting divorced? I’m not sure.

Now, try to imagine that a friend of yours is having a party. They’ve invited all your friends, but not you. That’s okay because you told them not to. Because…it’s a Super Bowl party.

And now, here’s the heresy. You live in sports-crazy Boston. You pay no attention to any sport, unless it’s taking place in a field near your home and your kids are the catcher and/or the goalie and/or the point guard (I have no idea what that is but I believe it’s a basketball term.)

The problem is, the entire country has been invited to the grand Super Bowl soiree, except you. You don’t want to go, that’s for sure. So why are you feeling bad? You recall the last such event you were invited to so that you could watch muscle-bound men leap upon and wrestle to the ground other muscle-bound men. It was pre-pandemic and honestly, watching this spectacle was as much fun for me as picking up trash from the highway. My friend whose party I always attended is an excellent hostess; food and company were delicious and delightful. Unfortunately, between bites and conversation, we were expected to watch “the game.” Paint dries faster.

And of course the commercials. Those supposedly clever, hilarious and what some (I wonder who) might call juvenile ads for beer, cars, more beer. Yeah, clever maybe if you’re a sixth grader.

Okay, I guess I’ve made my position known. I don’t actually hate all sports. They don’t play much of a role in my life, true, though I’ve been known to watch the Red Sox when they’re, like, two runs away from winning the World Series. It’s really just football I object to. (Now that I’m boxing in the interest of slowing Parkinson’s disease progression, my feelings about that “sport” have evolved a little, but it’s too complicated to explain here).

Yes, object is what I did mean to say. A game with violence built in, not my thing. I’ll spare you all the arguments against football – you’ve heard them I’m sure. And just in case you might suspect the opposite, I’ll have you know I have plenty of friends who are avid football fans. And don’t worry, I can find countless ways hi to keep contentedly occupied while my pals are engrossed in the big game.

So why did I feel left out Sunday night? I guess it was just a plain old case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Maybe next year I’ll have my own party, say a knitting night. We’ll watch some Masterpiece Theater-ish thing. No, wait, here’s a much better idea. I’ll line up Larry’s best and we’ll have a Curb Your Enthusiasm marathon. Maybe I could even entice a couple of football fan friends to “pop in.” “I love the pop-in” as Larry/Jerry might say. What will I serve? A spite sandwich with a side of roasted revenge.

Save the date for Super Bowl/ Knit-a-thon 2025.

Recommendations:

I’ve often enjoyed true crime podcasts; many can be found on the podcaster Wondery. Here’s one I really liked, where the guilty party is none other than Columbia University. The podcast is called Exposed.