We’ve all seen and probably made fun of the the elderly woman moaning those words on our TV screens. Why not laugh? She has absolutely nothing to do with us, except perhaps as the old lady across the street, the one who never puts out candy on Hallloween. That one.

Well, you know what’s coming. The joke’s on us. We who are weak in the knees, calves, arms and some other body parts I could name. There’s no way around it.. Aging sucks. And I happen to think it’s a double whammy when you’re slammed with a gross, chronic illness like, say for example, Parkinson’s. And wait, because here comes the triple whammy: You’ve done everything right your entire life. This was never supposed to happen to the likes of you.

I’ve been on the Mediterranean diet since before anyone had heard of such a thing. Walked briskly at every opportunity – to work, to stores, to museums (where people’s eyes widened in shock – “You can’t walk there. It’s much too far.”). I could and I did. I hiked on weekends and went on more rigorous hiking vacations, pushing this little body of mine to its limit.

And what didn’t i do? Smoke.
I’m counting smoking among those activities I didn’t engage in because a) it was in college, b) at most I smoked about two cigarettes a day and 3) I never bought them, always mooching them from a roommate, and everyone knows they don’t count when you can’t actually claim ownership since you didn’t purchase them yourself.

I have a friend who for years has bemoaned the absence of a book detailing the myriad things that might go awry in these bodies of ours. like my Parkinson’s or her neuropathy. I always responded when she raised the subject “No one would buy that book.” Now I’m not so sure.

If I’d known about all the ways I might become enfeebled, what might I have done differently? Should there be a new kind of “talk” with our aging offspring about what Mom or Dad might be experiencing?

Perhaps such a tome might include common ailments like arthritis, cataracts, non-dementia forgetfulness, dental problems, and men’s and women’s specific concerns (and why did I, a single woman, receive a promotional email today from HIMS)? So yeah, I wouldn’t be opposed to the notion of a “What to Expect When You’re Aging” guide to what they used to call our “ golden years.” Maybe though, instead of euphemizing, why not be truthful about that time of life? How about “the Days of Disintegration?” I suppose “The End Times” is too depressing, though I sometimes feel like my corporeal self is in the throes of its very own apocalypse. We older folks should start referring to ourselves as “the Degeneration Generation.” No wait, I’ve got it! “The Breakdown Lane.” Use in a sentence, please. Don’t rush me. I’m in the breakdown lane.” Or Aaaah, my broken hip and I are taking it easy in the breakdown lane.

Thank you my friend – you know who you are – for the “What to Expect When You’re Aging” idea. Now someone who definitely isn’t me needs to write the damn thing,

Request:

With my podcast, Parky Conversations, nearing launch time, I’d like to reach as broad an audience as possible. Please consider forwarding this post to other age- challenged and/or sympathetic friends. Thank you.