I once told an acquaintance that I hated asking for favors and her comment astonished me. “Why?” she asked. “I don’t.”

This just about sent the earth spinning off its axis. And truly, it’s not about the favor exchange cycle that such requests set in motion.. that’s a given, or at least I thought it was until I learned – shock!- that not everyone thinks like me.

Imagine, for a moment, a world with never an “I owe you one, buddy.” There should be some edict about this somewhere. Oh wait there is. “One good turn deserves another.” And how about “turnabout is fair play?” I’m actually not sure what that one means, but in any case it implies some sort of reciprocity.

Oh and get this. My first word was “myself.” So this dates back to the crib.

So why my discomfort at being on the other end of the exchange? Is it because I feel vulnerable and even, gulp, needy? I think the truest descriptor of my mental state is “unworthy.” I just don’t like the feeling of people going out of their way for me. Neurotic, anyone?

And I don’t mind at all when someone requests a favor of me; it provides an opportunity for me to pay it back by extending a kindness to them. Now THAT I like.

I’ve been single for quite some time and pride myself on my independence, my ability to figure things out, and to generally take care of business. Maybe I just feel the need to be perceived as competent, even though,like most of us, there are many arenas in which I excel – come over for some homemade strawberry cheesecake – and others I’m less adept at – help! All my photos on my phone disappeared! And that’s where my favor-givers aka friends and family come in.

I no longer own a car, and my home is walking distance or a subway ride away from most of my universe, and of course there’s always Uber…lots of Uber. Still, when out with friends, they drive, and frequently take me home at activity’s end, even though I could make the trip under my own steam. How lucky am I to have such thoughtful friends! I do what I can to repay these acts of generosity and I hope folks know they can call on me for a favor any time. (Well, at least they know now. Hahaha.)

Some favor debts can never be repaid. How do you compensate a sister, her lovely husband by her side , who accompanies you to all your neurologist appointments, or calls to ask if you’d like her to pick you up some toilet paper while she’s st Costco. Last week, I asked if she had a beach chair I could borrow for an outdoor concert; 20 minutes later , said beach chair appeared in my lobby. In the case of my sister and her husband the payback includes lots of homemade soup and the occasional baked good. My culinary contributions don’t feel nearly enough, but they’re not nothing.

Yet still, there’s the guilt, the sense that I’m a burden. Maybe that’s just the human condition. Or at least my human condition. I remain a work in progress. Sigh…..

COMING SEPTEMBER 10: PARKY. CONVERSATIONS

Andi Brown

I’m Andi Brown, the creator and host of Parky Conversations. I was diagnosed at the age of seventy.  I discovered that writing my blog, Moving and Shaking, afforded me a vehicle for coping with, and even laughing at, my disease, and at aging in general.  
In Parky Conversations, I will talk about my own experiences with PD, I’ll introduce us to some of my fellow “Parkies,” and I’ll  interview physicians and scientists who are studying aspects of the disease – such as the surge in creativity in some, the ability to detect Parkinson’s by the way someone smells, and why people see insects cavorting in their underwear.  
There are around one million Americans living with Parkinson’s right now.  Listen up and learn about an illness that no one ever expects, that presents daily challenges and that sometimes we just have to laugh at. 

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