Dating tips for the older man*

*all examples are true. I was there.

Dos and Don’ts

Don’t start the get-acquainted phone call with a discussion of hearing aids. Likewise pacemakers, stents and teeth (false, in need of crowns, etc.) We know we’re old. We don’t need a reminder.

Don’t start the date by asking her about her experience on the dating site. C’mon guys, surely you can do better than that. Who needs a reminder of our “situation,” which is vaguely depressing? Note: some people don’t mind this. I mind.

Do ask her questions about herself. And the next part is key. Wait for her to answer. She will talk for a while. Now it’s your turn but – this is essential – after not too long, stop! It’s her turn, and she might actually have some interesting things to say.

Deborah Tannen, author of the best-selling “You Just Don’t Understand,” about gender-based communication styles, said, “Women are the audience and men are the show.” Well, hot flash, Mister. I’m a woman and sometimes I want to be the show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, that’s not right. We take turns, just as we did with the bucket in the sandbox in nursery school. That’s not only fair, you actually learn about the other person, It’s called conversation, and it’s much more fun for both parties than a monologue.

Hot flash. Hot flash. Hmmm. I think I feel a business opportunity coming on.

HOT FLASH SIMULATOR. Patent pending. From Empathy Products.

You know the woman in your life has moments of serious discomfort due to hormonal changes, often manifested by a blistering hot sensation in her nether regions. You sit by, helpless, while she places ice packs (or maybe it’s heating pads. I forget which) on her belly, drinks mysterious potions she orders from some Hawaiian herbalist, or you “get the fuck leave her alone” as commanded.

But what if you could offer true empathy because – ta da- you’ve felt it yourself. Introducing the HOT FLASH SIMULATOR. Just strap it on and select the setting of your choice. 1= warming up 2= slightly pissed off. 3= throwing glassware and 4= total bitch.

You and your woman can cozy up together in your personal sweat lodge!

While listening to Parky Conversations, a podcast about the mysterious ways of this extremely annoying illness.

Happy New Year!