Despite retirement, I now have a nearly full time job. Congratulations, you’re thinking. WTF I’m thinking.

Here’s the resume that thrust me into this line of work:

Job Title: Healthy person 1973-2021; Not so healthy person. 2021-Present.

Skills and qualifications: Lemons into lemonade outlook. Ability to change horses in midstream. Patience of a saint.

Goal: a totally immersive position that sucks the life out of its workers

HR responsibilities: Determine appropriate specialist for health condition that is most distressing at the moment. Example: for lower back pain, one must choose between back doctor, pain management specialist, or orthopedic surgeon. PCP is on vacation and therefore unavailable to offer guidance.

Flexibility: Adept at course correction when, for example, one calls Physician Assistant thinking said PA is attached to rheumatologist but who actually belongs with orthopedist. Savvy about software in order to evaluate best app to organize health care providers, especially when applicant has 15 practitioners to track.

Manages appointments with specialist physicians and PA’s. Responsibilities include determining available times for office visits/zoom visits. Utilize patient portal to make appointments. Follow up by phone when no response from doctor’s office. Schedule visit. Navigate directions and transportation to and from physician office. Have appointment. Review practitioner’s post-visit notes and follow instructions, including securing appointment(s) with other specialists (s). The above set of tasks is to be repeated as often as necessary, ranging from two to eight times per week.

Abiilty to explain symptoms to wide variety of medical professionals, including but not limited to: Neurologist, neuropsychologist, dermatologist, orthopedic surgeon, endocrinologist, pulmonologist and physical therapist.

Line Waiter: Pick up prescriptions, other health related items. Wait in pickup line at local pharmacy for 30-60 minutes.

Weekly activities designed to slow disease progression:

Boxing
Dancing
Cycling class
Speak-Out, Speech therapy program
Yoga
Physical therapy
Mental health therapy
Regular daily exercise in addition to those listed above, e.g walking a minimum of one hour per day.

Involuntary Sleep: Comfortable with fluctuating sleep schedule, with periods of insomnia alternating with periods of near-narcolepsy, resulting from frequent medication adjustments.

Sort one month’s supply of medications for daily consumption for a total of 18 prescription pills and 8 supplements. per day.

And that, my friends, is the job description of a Professional Patient. Maybe you’ll age without ever needing this resume. Fingers crossed for you!

And don’t forget to check out my podcast, Parky Conversations. Fascinating true tales of Parkinson’s weirdness.