Why am I telling you about my Parkinson’s Disease and not showing you? If I were the true 21st century media star/influencer/brand I aspire to be, you’d have long since been privileged to watch videos of my leg all a-tremble, my ankle see-sawing back and forth.

Oh wait, I’m not that “brand” and certainly not the 21st century avatar thereof because….I am 71 years old! If you want to unfurl and hurl your “OK Boomer” banner in my direction, be my guest. I’m proud of my cohort for at least some things. I don’t wish to start an argument, I’ll just name the single most unassailable contribution my generation has gifted to the world and that’s….our music. Any gainsayers out there? I thought not.

Moving right along…..if you wish to share with the world your struggles with Parkinson’s, or any illness, have at it. But no half measures, please. You’ve got to go all in. So, in order to ensure your continuing relevance in the age of performative marriage proposals, promposals, pregnancy ultrasounds shared with the world, gender reveal explosions, I mean, celebrations, may I suggest the following:

Diagnosis day: Come prepared to your neurology appointment, just in case you’re found to have the dreaded Parkinson’s Disease. You will need a posse of at least three friends. Friend Number One’s role is the transport of the libations. Included in the “booze basket” are wine glasses, wine, nuts (good for Parkinson’s) and some blueberries (ditto). Wine glass for the doc is optional.

Friend Number Two is charged with the emotional “baggage” which consists of the floral print tote purchased on Etsy that you liked but said you didn’t know what you would use it for. Now you know. The tote includes a 200-pack box of biodegradable tissues. The box calls it a lifetime supply but we know better. With any luck, this should last two weeks. Don’t worry, when you run out, we’ll get you some more. Also included is a mixtape of your favorite songs from The Year of the First Boyfriend, with whom you broke up because he used “lay” and “lie” interchangeably. His MIT degree wasn’t enough to compensate. Finally, a picture of you with that bad perm in 1984. You look so unhappy! It’s hilarious, don’t you agree? Well, don’t you?

The third friend we’ll call our target. She’s sporting a lifejacket and has offered to be your punching bag if the news isn’t good. So go ahead, pummel away. It won’t hurt either of you and you might feel better, especially when you remember that she’s the one who started the “silent treatment” against you after you bought the same red checked dress as hers in seventh grade. Even though you guys made up, you still harbor a bit of a grudge. Use that anger!

Finally, our videographer. Remember Jeff, the kid who got suspended for cutting a peephole in the wall of the girls’ locker room? Well, he’s out of jail now and miraculously available. Also very reasonably priced!

Now, Dr. LaPlante, please tell Bonnie her diagnosis. Everybody ready? Lights, camera, action!