If you’re a boomer and that sounds familiar, check out this audio clue.

You guessed it, the theme from the old Andy Griffith show. Hmm, wonder whatever happened to the little kid who played Opie.

And what in the world does the old Andy Griffith show have to do with Parkinson’s or aging? Two chairs, no waiting, was the promotional slogan contrived by Floyd, the rather dimwitted barber on the show. It popped into my head as I was pondering what to write about my two illnesses.

Yes, two, with the unfortunate arrival of the semi-chronic ailment known as GERD or acid reflux, joining my body alongside my old buddy Parkinson’s Disease. They are the soldiers, the warriors sent to battle my immune system except they’re around forever and sometimes they fight with each other. Case in point: their food requirements. Here’s what some of their dietary rules and regulations look like. Yup, they are at cross-purposes to each other.

Tomatoes are penicillin for people with Parkinson’s, poison for us Gerdians (a name I just made up, though it sounds like it might be a new religion. Or maybe Gerdians were a species who took up a whole episode of Star Trek.) Citrus fruits, dark chocolate and caffeine are great if you have just PD, so bring on the pasta con cioccolato, arance e pomodori. That’s pasta with chocolate, oranges and tomatoes, and actually quite a nice consolation prize for getting stuck with a sucky disease like Parkinson’s.

But add in a dollop of GERD, and Houston, we have a problem. Which will it be? The aforementioned Italian delicacy will give you a moment of love in your mouth, but then your chest muscles tighten and you feel you can’t breathe. And it lasts for HOURS. You are now in the land of Gerd, and the only escape route is the downing of some serious antacid. While those very same ingredients may be doing wonders for your gut, PD-wise, you don’t feel it, at least not in the moment. It’s more of a stealth bomb in your gut, but the good kind if there is such a thing. Choosing which ailment to honor isn’t really a choice.

Sadly, at least for me, GERD always vanquishes PD when it comes to questions of diet. The beneficial stuff from the chocolate, etc. may be doing me a heap of good, but it works behind the scenes; it’s more or less undetectable, whereas the GERD pain triumphantly announces itself with a swagger and an evil cackle, by which I mean what you might imagine a heart heart attack feels like.

I’m a reasonably decent cook. But I truly don’t much feel like spending hours figuring out which dishes I can stomach (tee hee). Though I did learn about substitutions. With tomatoes in exile, and a long list of recipes requiring potato paste, my research turned up two swaps – roasted and pureed peppers. and carrots. Carrots, you say? Unexpected, I agree, but I just might be able to manage a pomodoro sauce now and then.

And….I also discovered several recommendations for sprinkling a bit of baking soda in your food. Apparently, it neutralizes the acid. I would try that at home but not in public unless my dining companions were extremely close friends. Although you could purchase a cute little antique box to hold your “fix.”

Bon appetit, by which I mean I hope you don’t get sick from your next meal.