Defeated by canasta

Defeated by mah jongg

Defeated by bridge decades ago when brain was at its peak

Now defeated by crochet. Crochet! It’s practically knitting which I can do in my sleep. Best not try to prove this, could lose an eye. Should I try knitting with eyes closed just to make a point? I was thinking maybe it would be okay with supervision. It would have to be someone with quick reflexes though who could stop me before the knitting needle made its way to my eyeball.

We- we being older people -are encouraged to learn new things in order to maintain brain plasticity. But, but I sputter, I’ve been trying new things forever. I created a podcast for god’s sake. And that was just last year! I’ve fulfilled all the requirements for being a reasonably well-educated, well-rounded person. Want proof? Jeopardy contestant. Speak four languages, and once upon a time, five. ( Donde esta Portuguese?).

The registrar of life tells me I need more credits in order to, um, “graduate.with honors” which I take to mean I need to find a new activity or my brain will turn into spaghetti.

I thought crochet would do it but I’ve already decided to quit as it does not spark joy. No, sadly, it sparks annoyance and dread.

Art classes? No talent or desire. I am “art adjacent,” meaning I have a bunch of artist friends, and that’s about as close as I’m gonna get to art as an avocation. “Learn a new language,”say friends, “you’re so good at it.” Maybe so, but I’m only drawn to native tongues of places I might consider visiting one day, and France, Spain and Italy have that covered, though I’m temped to tell folks I’m engaged in the study of Tagalog because I enjoy speaking the name. Tagalog, Tagalog, Tagalog. Fun, right?

So it’s come to this. I need help. From a professional. I need a….. HOBBY CONSULTANT.

An online search unearths hobby consultants; advisors; horse farms (would need to move to the country); a trucking company (Trust me, I am not a candidate for any activtity that includes driving); 3DI and GPI models (huh?); scrapbooking; an orthopedic surgeon named, yes, Dr. Hobby; and mixology (could lead to alcoholism). Help! Please rescue me from this ridiculous rabbit hole.

The seemingly authentic hobby consultants suggest the following as potential leisure time pursuits: photography, gardening, and combat with real swords (very scary-looking).

Not a single activity appealed, though the horse farm does offer the benefit of novelty. Does that mean I’m just a boring person whose brain will atrophy at an accelerated pace due to absence of novel stimuli? Don’t know, but for now, I’ve decided to stick to my knitting.